I had two days in a row recently where I felt an insane amount of anxiety, however I couldn’t quite pin point exactly where it was coming from. I felt a huge knot in my stomach, constant butterflies, and I was having difficulty taking full deep breaths.
In the week prior, I had been cruising along just fine up until a kinesiology appointment which centred around personal power and belief in myself. So, I knew that this was something big that had been stirred up from the depths and was well and truly ready to come out.
Of course, I was driving when it all reached its peak on Tuesday. I had anxious worrisome thoughts popping up everywhere and I knew tears were on their way, but in order for the floodgates to open I needed to find the root of all this. Where was this unsettling feeling coming from?!
I told myself that I was not going to stop until I found it. I felt like the detective walking into the black slimy hole in the tree in Stranger Things. I had to find the root so I could pluck it out as I knew this was a weed not a healthy root. This felt like an old noxious weed with a very strong and dark root system that had been around for many years.
While driving, I realised that all of the current worrisome thoughts I was experiencing were connected by one common theme. I then continued to dig further realising that this was not a new theme, it was old, I had definitely been here before worrying about the same thing at various points in my life (too many to count) in many different situations.
It wasn’t until I got home and I was standing in the bathroom when the penny dropped.
‘Approval’, I whispered.
I dropped to my knees and began to sob. I realised that all of the worrisome thoughts about different people and situations that I had been going over and over in my head all led back to this deep need for approval. I also realised that I had been seeking approval from outside of myself for as long as I can remember. I continued to sob until there were no more tears.
I let it go.
It was like my whole being needed to bust it out as it no longer matched my current vibration. I then began to visualise spraying the roots of this weed with golden light and continued to repeat ‘I approve of myself’ over and over until the roots dissolved.
If you ever find yourself in a similar situation letting go of something big like this, the most important thing is that you have located it and shed light on it. If it is something like this that has been growing since childhood, then it may sprout a few new roots here and there but you will know and you will be quick to pluck them out. It is the golden light of awareness that will not let it overtake your sacred garden again.
The only person’s approval that you need is your own. I repeat…
THE ONLY PERSON’S APPROVAL THAT YOU NEED IS YOUR OWN.
Once that is deeply realised, it actually doesn’t matter what anyone else does, or says, or thinks, or might say about you, because you are not seeking theirs or anyone else’s approval. You become unshakable.
My entire life I have tried to fit myself into some sort of box, and if I didn’t fit then I would feel left out, or feel like there was something wrong with me, or even worse, try to change myself to try and fit. I was on this mission to fit in and had this belief that as soon as I made myself fit somewhere then I’d be happy. So many masks, so many different costumes. So afraid to be myself, show myself, and speak my truth.
What I have recently come to realise is that this also leads back to approval. I was handing over my truth and authenticity with the hope to fit into someone else’s approval box. I don’t need to find a box to fit in that is outside of myself because I’ve got my own freaking incredible mansion/sacred space/universe.
By fully accepting that you don’t fit into a particular box is not only an act of letting go, but also accepting that you fit into something so much greater than a little box outside of yourself. It is so much more multidimensional, so much more expansive, and full, and limitless. You fit into a box that has no walls, no corners, no limits. In that space you have the freedom to be your whole and complete divinely extraordinary, resilient, light-filled self.
The only requirement is that you be YOU, approving of yourself wholly and completely.
"Stop looking outside for scraps of pleasure or fulfilment, for validation, security, or love - you have a treasure within that is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer." - Eckhart Tolle